When What Matters Has Changed
Part 2: Finding Meaning After Significant Loss
When I consider the concept of “meaning” and what makes life feel meaningful and purposeful, I think of the word connection. Connection to self, connection to others, connection to values, to something outside of ourselves, to a desire, to whatever lights us up.
And when we consider devastating loss, a sense of connection to some or all of these things can feel incredibly difficult to access in the aftermath.
Because for many of us, what used to feel meaningful was meaningful in part or entirely because of our person’s part in it (in part one, I talk about the many tethers leading back to our person). They may have been the person you shared a life with, who encouraged you to keep going, who made you feel witnessed and seen and supported in all that you were doing. They may have been interwoven into all of it, often in ways we don’t fully understand until we’re faced with their absence.
Additionally, the future can also stop feeling safe to look towards at all. We can experience very little desire to look at anything ahead of us, especially in the early months and years after loss because none of it includes them. We can feel a deep sense of guilt that looking forward means leaving them behind, or feel like we’re being asked to believe that there is a next year and that all the things we count on now, will still be here then. Which, after loss, we’re often acutely aware of is not guaranteed. The future can feel fragile and complicated and sometimes daunting to consider.
And, asking ourselves what feels important to us now or considering what we want at all when we’ve been through something that has left a total sense of disconnection from our sense of self and our identity now can also feel incredibly complex because the version of us that only they could reflect back to us is now… gone. It makes sense that when we’re holding questions like, “Who am I now? What’s important to me?” we find ourselves shrugging in exhaustion saying, ‘I have no idea’.
Lastly, sometimes against the vast backdrop of loss, there’s nothing that feels big enough to truly care about. Not because we aren’t also grateful for other parts our lives or our people who are still here, but because nothing can compare to the overwhelming sense of wrongness. We are allowed to rebuild a life with good days in it and still have a hole in the middle that we never call “healed”. And, it can take time to want to reach for the good days.
All of this is to say, finding meaning in life after loss can feel difficult or have a lot of question marks surrounding it, and that makes perfect sense.
But before we explore how we can intentionally go towards it (when we’re ready), I want to take a moment here to talk about what finding meaning in life after devastating loss is not.
Firstly, finding meaning in this version of life does not mean that we’re moving on or letting go of our person. It means we are carrying our grief and bringing their memory with us into this part, too. Finding meaning does not negate what happened. It doesn’t diminish the pain or the ache of their absence and it doesn’t mean we wouldn’t choose to go back in a heartbeat if we could. It can simply mean we accept that we are still here. And that life will not be what it once was, but different, and still important.
Secondly, it also doesn’t mean we’re finding meaning WITHIN death. I want to be super clear this is not ‘everything happens for a reason’ territory. For myself, I think of what happened as random and senseless. I will never know why him, why us, why now. And that senselessness is angering and mind blowing. And I don’t need to make it anything other than that. Utterly senseless.
Recovering a sense of meaning in this version of life is often not rebuilding what it was back there in that version. And I want to acknowledge the pain in that. Of course what has changed and how it’s changed is all wrapped up in grief and what happened. Because now, finding meaning or a sense of purpose and connection can take intentionality that it didn’t before in the same way. It can take courage we wish we didn’t need, or take risks that require the energy we often don’t have. It can also, as all things in grief, take time and begin miniscule.
For one client I worked with, losing her partner catapulted her into a season of needing to take care of herself and prioritize her health and energy in ways she never had to before. With slow consistent ways of showing up for herself over time, she learned to fiercely advocate on her own behalf in ways she knew her late husband would be so proud of. For her, that was one way she lived in this version, bringing what he valued (her wellbeing) alongside her grief.
For another client, over time she reconnected to her creative writing. Like so many grievers, what she cared about and wanted to put energy towards after loss had changed. She began going back to workshops and writing groups and found opportunities to read her pieces to others. I remember her telling me that this curious and creative part of herself felt so good to meet again after so long.
There are many ways to begin exploring what feels meaningful and what brings a sense of connection now. Living here, now, does not have be separate from your grief. It can be braided together in ways that feel important and meaningful to you.
An important note about "finding" meaning after loss - we can absolutely explore and have intentionality and reflect, but feeling a sense of meaning and purpose often doesn't arrive as one final decision we come to. It doesn't have to be a grand choice that changes the way we move through the world or one single moment where everything clicks into place. It's not something to force or rush, so please take this as gentle invitation and not pressure to figure any of this out.
One thing about meaning is that sometimes it's most recognizable when we're looking back at it. A personal example - when I decided to start sharing the comedic skits about grief on Instagram (sounds so random, right? You can check out my most popular one here), it didn't feel "meaningful" in that moment. It just felt like something I enjoyed and came easily to me, and that was enough for me to keep going towards it. But over time, it has become deeply meaningful because upon reflection (looking back at it), humor was a main connection point between my dad and I. He was incredibly sarcastic and never serious, and it feels so meaningful to me now to weave that part of him and us into what I do. So, you can let it start with a nudge and just follow the curiosity.
Some ways to begin exploring a sense of connection after loss:
ONE// For those that lost someone they want to continue feeling connected to, a beautiful frame to anchor continued connection in this life can be: our connection to our person or people didn’t end, it has changed form. Reaching towards them now in small or big ways can be one way we find meaning and not only comfort. Our bond with them continues to be a living source of connection, and here are a few different thoughts that can help this take shape: How are they woven now into your internal landscape? This can look like times when you consult with them, so to speak. Imagining their response to you and carrying their perspective into your decisions or how you show up for yourself or the world. This might also be acting in ways that honor their values (like generosity or humor or adventure). You can create meaning now by weaving their values into your choices or your day-to-day, and in this way, their influence continues to guide and shape your life.
TWO// One of my favorite areas to explore when it comes to meaning and purpose that might resonate for some and not at all for others - what lit you up as a child/ young person? What are the things you used to love or do for the sake of just enjoyment or curiosity and not for any external reasons attached to more adult feelings of obligation, performance, or "shoulds"?
What I like about this reflection is two fold: our childhood interests can be (not always) points of connection to ourselves that predate the current life that feels completely dismantled. They often aren't things tied in our current career or routines or whatever we've been working towards or planning for.
And, it can be a way of making contact with a part of ourselves that was intrinsicely drawn to certain qualities we've forgotten about. For example- for a time as a little girl I wanted to be a singer and performer. When I connect back to that version of me, it's the expression and feeling and sound that I loved being submersed in. It doesn't necessarily mean I need to literally start singing more regularly or publicly (god, no), but I can think about the qualities my little pre-responsible heart was drawn towards. Where can I get expressive? Where can I alchemize emotion?
THREE// And where you find yourself now, in recent days or months, it can be helpful to consider what has pulled you in any direction, if anything at all. Where does your attention naturally go now? What gives you energy instead of depleting it? This could be as subtle as noticing a pull towards being outside, or noticing curiousity about places you haven't been to, or wanting to be near your safe people more. Or it might be bigger, like the nudge to shift what you do for work, or how you dress, how you move your body, or a reconsideration of what deserves your time and attention. And it's okay if there isn't a pull or a nudge or any clarity here. Just asking the question can be like getting up to walk across the room to crack the door open, and then going to sit back down. It's open just enough for something to come through when it’s time.
🎙️ If your life has been turned upside down by loss and you don’t know where to start but know you need support or guidance or tools, I created a really intentional and heart-led resource just for grievers. It’s the thing I wish someone handed me back when I was there, too, sure that something was deeply wrong with me for not being able to handle it ‘better’.
‘So, This is Grief’ is a five-part private podcast series and companion workbook to integrate and implement all the tools and insights we discuss. It’s just me, in your ears, talking to you about what’s happening in your body, your relationships, to your capacity to get things done, and some ways to navigate all of it.
You can go at your own pace and listen wherever and whenever you want to.
Hello Rio, I've been going back and forth with this for quite a while now. I'm 13 months in ever my fiance suddenly passing. Some days I think I'm doing well and some days I'm right back to doing really bad. The beginning of the second year has been really tough. It's like living in two different grief time zones one was cloudy and protected now it's all clear and unprotected it's a scary place to be
The distinction between finding meaning after loss and finding meaning in the loss feels so important. I also appreciated the reminder that purpose may not return as one dramatic revelation, but through small moments of curiosity, connection and care. Sometimes meaning only becomes visible when we look back and realise what we kept moving towards.